Guess Ho’s Coming to Dinner?

All hail Windows Media Center, which does me the great favor of keeping track of what crappy television I’m wanting to waste hard drive space recording. Important tonight because it was the premier of “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila”. Since the VMA’s I’ve been waiting for this one just to make sure I didn’t rant uninformed.

Now let me preface the rest of this monologue by saying a couple things, most important of which is this: I’m not a homophobe. Many people might assume that, just because I was married to someone that later decided a man wasn’t really what they were after, that I would be instantly anti-gay. This is patently not true of me, or the community of us that have been down that road in general. As a matter of fact, some of the str8 spouses (yes, it’s something of an official term) go so far in the pro-gay direction that I think they’re a bit dillusional about it all. Anyway, not homophobic. Beyond that, Mormonism is not inherently homophobic either. Where people get confused is thinking Mormons, and Mormonism in general, hates gay people. Totally wrong. Disagree with the lifestyle, sure. We believe any sex outside of marriage is wrong. So if you’re straight and skankin’ around we’re going to disagree with that too. But people are people, and just because you’re predisposed to homosexuality doesn’t make you any less of a good person than someone predisposed to heterosexuality. So before anyone goes getting their noses bent out of joint and decrying a homophobic foul, put a sock in it and learn to think objectively.

Okay, so with that disclaimer all out of the way, we can start. *ahem*…mi mi mi miiiiiii…do re mi fa so la ti doooooooo…I think I’m ready.

Tila Tequila is a whore.

So that’s the blunt bit. The short version of the story. So now I’ll be fair and dig into that a bit more. In truth, everyone on the show is a whore. Gay…straight…doesn’t matter. All whores. The premise of the show is simple. Er, sort of. Tila is a closet bisexual who hasn’t even come out to her family. So what better way to let them know than by having her own reality show wherein she attempts to come to some kind of personal closure on who she likes to bang…uh…hang with more, and see if she can’t find a relationship along the way. To that end, MTV networks puts her up in a four-story mansion along with twenty-two of the most desparate attention-seekers in the country. Eleven men who dig chicks and eleven women who dig them more. They’re brought in as separate groups and all hear Tila’s little more-than-bi-curious surprise for them at their first meeting.

What about any of this doesn’t scream whores? But more importantly, what about this isn’t fully representative of the moral decay of our society. People flocking from all across the country to (based on the previews of upcoming episodes that I won’t watch) make out everywhere with Tila and also get drunk, pull each other’s hair, swear, and fight amongst themselves. All in an effort to be “the one” for Tila. Because reality television is so much the right place to find true love. Just look at all the happy couples that has worked out for.

Beyond that though, as someone who had their family turned upside-down by a spouse coming out, I am apalled because this kind of behavior and emotional turmoil isn’t entertainment. Throwing Christians to the lions is kinder than what that sort of emotional hell puts people through. Yet the electronic coloseum of MTV is doing just that. And more, this spectacle appears to want to take itself seriously, somehow representing an overlooked part of the common America.

Well, it’s not. Look, MTV is contantly trying to find ratings without playing music videos any more. Who the heck knows why. But this kind of television is just wrong. Life is confusing enough for the MTV target demographic. This type of “Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy” gone wrong pap does nothing to help or improve that. I’m not advocating that they go to only programming “Sound of Music” and “Mary Poppins” (even Julie Andrews went for the shock factor in “S.O.B.”) but let’s show a little responsibility, shall we? Or at least some creativity. Sex is easy to program. Something of substance takes work, sure. But then at least you wouldn’t have somebody like me calling you whores.

I’m Not Sure Who I Should Be Embarassed For More

So I’ve mentioned before that I used to run my own business. It wasn’t a multi-million dollar multinational conglomerate or anything, but we did reasonably well. I did, however, do work with some multi-million dollar multinational conglomerates during that time. One of them was MTV. Yes, the MTV.

More precisely, I was brought in to do work with MTV that then fell apart. Twice. For two years, back-to-back, they brought me in to work on developing some cool web toys for the VMAs. They were always ambitious projects that would be really cool, and that somewhere along the line fell apart under the weight of their own internal disorganization, and frankly, their own corporate shallowness. The entire MTV mindset is about perpetuating a vapid culture of partying and celebrity voyeurism.

I’ve never been mad that those projects fell apart coming out of the gate. I only tell you all of that to tell you this:

I should have known better. Tonight, I should have known what I was going to get before I even got it. I went in to watching the VMAs specifically looking for something, then got it and more. I was looking for what all the rest of the sideline voyeurs were looking for. I was looking to see a Britney trainwreck live and in person. My mom and my sisters are gasping, guffawing, and holy-cowing over me, I’m sure. But I was somehow drawn, like a moth to a flame. And as they say at the infamous Smithee Awards, some things you just can’t un-see.

What I saw was proof that the entertainment industry is coming back around to accepting performers that aren’t super-skinny and instead look like normal people with a few extra pounds here and there. That’s the good part, as our society has what could certainly be called a strange body image. What I also saw was that those same people shouldn’t be doing stage performances in an outfit comprised solely of rhinestone-covered hoochie shorts and sports bra. I also saw that if such people do decide to do such a performance anyway, they should make sure that they don’t look periodically lost while on stage. It leads to the on-air audience having the same reaction as the at-home audience: utter bewilderment.

But then again, I got what I tuned in for. Which begs the question of who should be more embarassed? Me, or Britney?

The answer of course is that it’s probably me. Britney finished her stint on stage, smiled, said thank you, and then hustled off faster than Wile E. Coyote’s would-be dinner. I, however, continued to watch the VMAs, mysteriously paralyzed in wonder at the possibility of how insipid things could become. How much harder would they try and make this seem like a serious awards show? Would any of the presenters or recipients ever act like they actually cared about any of it? How many times would Justin Timberlake get away with saying “I challenge MTV to play more music videos, because we’re not interested in this lame reality show stuff”? (The answer was either two or three. My brain was too damaged by the end to be sure, and I still can’t guarantee it wasn’t a stunt organized by MTV in the first place.)

I was grateful for a brief reprieve from the obvious lip-synching everyone did when Alicia Keys actually sang. Then only to be disappointed again by having her ovation afterward enhance by canned applause. But, this is MTV, and I had no reason to be surprised. I knew who I was dealing with. I knew what I was asking for. And that’s the worst part. The VMAs epitomizes the basest of our culture. Radical jihadists get extra bent out of shape because they think all Americans are like MTV. And I participated. Which probably makes me something of an idiot.

So let me say up front that when I write about MTV again in a month, it won’t be because they sucked me in like an idiot. The other thing I saw during the VMAs, the thing for the new show they have coming, has my blood boiling. But I’ll hold off until I can see it for myself once so as to blast it appropriately.