Do it again and you’ll pull back a stump

So, I don’t exactly live in a sleepy rural area. I live in a fairly good-sized city actually. But if you were listening to the top-of-the-hour news on the radio here this evening, you might have thought otherwise. Headlines might have been about the restroom dalliances of Senator Craig, or the pending fiasco that is unrestricted Mexican trucking within our borders, or one of several other weighty issues. But no. Those were all trumped by something of more importance, certainly.

This evening, our local police issued an alert, carried on the public airwaves, for an unknown man who grabbed a woman’s butt at an Arby’s. Black male, mid twenties, about six feet tall. Apparently the man should be considered “touchy-feely”.

Now, just so we’re all clear with each other, I don’t approve of copping a feel on a stranger in line at Arby’s. Or anywhere else. With a significant other, hey, just be discreet if you happen to be in line at Arby’s when the mood hits. My friend who works as an Arby’s manager would probably be grateful since he’s also been single for a while and hates to see anyone having a good time that he’s not having. So with that being said, my question is “What the hell?!” I mean, I know crime in our area is down, but certainly there must be something a little more pressing than the “Booty Bandit”.

What have we come to when women are making a report to the police over something like this. Half the guys in my high school journalism class would still be in jail doing time if this had been a bookable offense. Juvenile? Sure. Criminal? Uh, no. The common reply back in the day was “Do it again and you’ll pull back a stump!” followed by some expletive-enhanced description of the perpetrator’s intellect, nether-regions, or creative combination of the two. And if the guy dared do it again (at least within the same day) he could be assured of a solid smack and possibly a date for Friday night. I did spend my high school years in Cooterville after all.

If the Bandit had actually tried to sexually assault the…uh…what’s a word that’s like victim but really conveys more of a sense of wussiness? You know, something that says “yeah, I was wronged, but only in such a way that maybe I’m owed an apology but instead I’m really going to play it up and make a big, stinking turd of a deal out of it” with a dash of crybaby added in? Anyway, if the Bandit had actually tried to sexually assault that person in the line at Arby’s, I could totally understand a broadcast going out that said “Be on the lookout for a man suspected of attempting to rape women while standing in line at Arby’s. Women are advised to keep exact change for orders to shorten wait times and minimize their risk.” But that would never happen, because the curly fries with dipping sauce are too delicious for anyone to be doing anything else.

So I had a moment of stunned silence in the car followed by some serious laughing on my part. Not laughing at the woman’s pain or humiliation, but just at the over-abundance of it. And the fact that the big-time news radio station carried a bulletin about it. Perhaps moving to the “big city” lo those many years ago didn’t take me as far away from my roots as I thought.